Journal

Place to store like some journal writings. Names of people I know are changed for privacy

i will place Trigger warning on journals that talk about triggering issues. I also plan in the future to make it so maybe each section has its own page? or only displays one at a time? not totally sure what format i want yet. might take a look at others journals for inspo.

title - 00/00/0000

content

feeling tender - 12/07/2025

I find myself feeling more tender as of late. I am overwhelmed by things that would not have done so a year ago, I find my social battery is much lower, and I feel quicker to tears and sadness. I am also annoyed by things and irritated by things that I feel before I would be able to tolerate better. Im not quite sure what has happened that triggered this. Maybe its a casecade of things? Finding myself wanted to stay inside as well, and not do anything has been theme as well. Its very frusrating because I thought I was doing better? I thought I had "cracked the code" and had mastered socialization and my emotions. But lately a bulldozer had taken the bricks and foundations I had setup and tore everything down. At first I thought maybe it was a family emergency that had triggered this bulldozing, but now thats its over and my family is fine, you would figure I would ALSO feel fine. So I feel like there is something else that is going on a well. But Im not quite sure what it is and I find that incrediably frustrating.

My body is suffering along side my mind. I had a terrible reaction yesterday while out clubing, with acid constantly traveling up my throat. My period came after a stressful family emegrency. I got sick from eating strawberries and felt nausous at work. Prehaps GERD is getting so bad that its mentally draining me. Im not so sure. Eating (and drinking) bring me confort and joy, and to have both of thoses thing now to cause me distress is an compound issue.

I also am dreading how booked my weekends and plans have become. Sometimes I wish I was more of a loser so I had less people who would want to plan things with me. Or idk I feel like a few months ago I found myself wanting to make more friends, and now I feel overwhelmed, annoyed, frustrated. Its none of my friends faults. I really do care for them. but I sorta want to recluse myself and move at a slower pace. God I ate some pizza to eat something and now my stomach hurts again FUCK.

I also crave a more intimate relationship - platonic or not. I had a very intense friendship a while ago and I kinda miss that. Not that a partner would fix my issues. Prehaps its is more like larger socialization can be a lot for me rn. I also just kinda miss doing really simple hangouts. I did have a nice movie hangout today and that was pretty nice.

I wish I knew how to fix it. People keep saying "oh its seasonal depression time" and yada yada but at least to me, this tenderism, is not just seasonal depression. I want to find a more artistical way to describe it without having to go to to similes and metaphors. Or at least I would prefer a metaphor. I find them much more cool and interesting then a simile.. Like to better label the cause of my tenderness. To name the beast or thing or event that caused it to surface. But maybe its hard to name something that you can't really see or even quite understand. I probably need to be more patient to try to understand what is going on.

Maybe part of it is this intense feeling to try to label and make sense of everything. Its a very human desire. Oh god ive gotten so off topic but thats ok. I just kinda wanted to write something for my blog, and not do anything too intensive for it. I felt like writing my feelings, esp since ive beening feeling emotions more intensely that writing would be helpful. im not if it has been. In a way i just feel like its a "awww woe is me. boo hoo i am depressed blah blah blah". Maybe I just want my feeling to be more important and special then just "depression". Or something else then depresssion that is deeply personal to only me. Tenderism, feeling tender, feeling tenderly.

I have never been good with words

maybe I just dont have the right understand to name it, beyond the vague artist term of tender. Depression could also just feel overplayed to me. Maybe its a mixture of autistic burnout, quarter life crisis, seasonal depression, late-stage capitalism, and interpersonal family issues that have turned into a beast beyond the word depression. I have felt depressed before. Its not like I am immune to it. But it feels just different. Once again I never have been good with words, so prehaps I just dont have the right word. So for now Its just Tender.

I dont really feel like doing a cheesy sign off atm. But I am tired, and I dont want to keep thinking about this any more.

Deleted my LinkedIn, changing my FB Name - 09/14/2025

TW: Death, Assassination, Fascism, Charlie Kirk, deportation, ice

I decided to delete my LinkedIn today, and change my FB name.

Why? Because republicans are encouraging employers to firing people over charlie kirk related posts & comments that celebrate his death/ assassination - and many people have already been fired. Theres even a site, Charliesmurders.com, made in order to report and document people who are "supporting policial violence".

I havent made a public post to celebrate his death, but I have def made some comments about it that could be viewed as "celebrating" his death. But ya I figured its time to make it less easy for someone to dox me. I might even up deleting my fb if things seem to get even worse, or at least abandon it / interact with less. A year ago, I dont think I would have felt I needed to delete my LinkedIn, or been worried about being doxxed for my political beliefs. I wonder what will happen in another year? how much more will fascism progress in america.

Its getting scary here. Trump has been threating to deploy troops to chicago, and already ice raids are happening here. In my neighbor, posters are plastered on the windows of every business, telling you what to do if ice shows up, in english and spanish. Ive also seen posters telling non-white citizens to make sure to carry documentation to prove cizitenship or legal residency at all times. I often wonder how effective theses posters even are. Will ice agents respect peoples rights, will they respect our dignity? it seems that peoples rights are being throwed out the door, and seeing how police treat us, I have little hope that ice agents would be any better.

Im glad I can post to this site about this. I dont think I could on any site where I am publically known. It is also frustrating though. Social media become the perfect weapon to expose, and dox someone. Its frustrating that I basically, am self-censoring myself. I fear for my livelyhood, and thereforth have to post my thoughts under an unknown penname. Many of my friends have also done the same thing, changing their names on FB, or using a alt account. My friend who I mentioned before who moved to the UK, said they will probably bring a burner phone when they come back to visit the US.

but ya, kinda awkward that fascism is here.

-3maqi

Learning the Ocarina, The Stereo Realist, and Rolleinar Lens Filter Set - 09/05/2025

Ive been exploring other hobbies as of late. I went to the Bistol Ren Faire about 3~ weeks ago and bought myself an Ocarina. I thought it be fun to learn an instrument, and its a bit less complicated then the piano or the guitar. Its fun I can actually play a scale, I've memorized the song "happy birthday", and can actually read sheet music (very poorly but still)! I still need to memorize sharp/ flat notes still, and build up my confident in playing the low B and A note on it. I have two small booklets full of songs with just basic finger charts for the notes as well. I think eventually it would be nice to memorize a few more songs from the booklets :)!

The Stereo Realist

I also went to a local second hand shop in my home town. its one of those places that kinda hand select items to sell, so a bit more thought into what comes in then for example, goodwill or savors. I saw there was a retro camera, retro lightmeter, and camera filters for sale. The prices seems actually really cheap so I decided to buy it. I later found out the lens i bought and the camera are NOT compatable at all... lol. Also the way the camera works is.. interesting as well. most cameras just take one photo at a time, on one film frame at a time. This camera that i brought though is meant to take 3d images.

According to the wikipedia entry for this camera, The Stereo Realist, takes 2 photos at a time, for the purpose of creating a 3d image.

heres more info about stereo cameras from wikipedia:

"A stereo camera is a type of camera with two or more lenses with a separate image sensor or film frame for each lens. This allows the camera to simulate human binocular vision, and therefore gives it the ability to capture three-dimensional images, a process known as stereo photography"

pretty crazy huh. I actually dont really know how to operate it at all. I have used retro cameras in the past, but its been years since ive done it. I plan to go to a camera store later today and hopefully someone at the shop can help me load the film and figure out how to take photos.... Otherwiser i suppose youtube would work too. but having someone show you hands on is very helpful :). Plus I think they also develop film too so that would be cool resource to learn more about.

Rolleinar Lens Filter Set

the lens case I bought is a small leather case of different filters used for old camera called the Rolleiflex. Its kinda the bigger and insane find. I wont disclose how much I paid for it just because i dont really want anyone to know until I get it checked out. I see sets like this that are retailing for almost 1k... Im not entirely sure what do to about it. it might be too expensive for any place to want to buy it from me? i think I might also get that appraised as well from the camera store. idk if i cant see a good reason to sell the lens, I might sell the Stereo realist and get the correct camera for the lens instead. Either way I just want take 35mm photos :p!!

im excited to explore my new hobbies either way, and I plan to post about it more later for sure!!

-3maqi

Longing for books, and short essays - 7/27/2025

Ive actually have been reading again. I've been reading the book called: "Lets Become Fungal! Mycelium Teachings and the Arts" recommended to me by the bookstore owner of Inga. When I commute to work on the train ive been reading it bit by bit. What really excites me about this book in general is just having an idea and topic thats explored more indepthly then I feel I get when i go on the internet. The internet has really made everything so bite sized. Ideas and topics that are surface level, quick to understand and very summerized. I blame social media, to be honest. posts aren't made to hold more then a thought or two - videos lengths can only be so long, a photo is quickly replaced with the next one, no time to breath with one. So, reading this book, has kinda reminded me that the internet, and world hasn't always been this way. Its exciting! I want to more then ever disconnect from the endless doom scroll. I want to read strange short essays on the internet, to read more niche books. Ive been longing for books, and I feel like the book, "Lets Become Fungal! Mycelium Teachings and the Arts", has awaken that in me.

Reading this book has also exposed me to things outside of the curated, and somewhat snake-like, algorithm of social media. Learning about the indigenous farms of latin america for example. This isnt something I get on my social media feed. I want to find more books, that free me from the chains and restriction of social media. To read more about things that just would never find itself way to me otherwise.

As Senku from dr.stone would say:
"this is exhilarating, get excited."

-3maqi

I moved this weekend - 5/11/2025

so this weekend i moved to my first (solo) apartment! I had family and friends help me move and omg I could have not done it without them. firstly, I moved to a 3rd story apartment with no elevator, and it would have been impossible to move one my own! Secondly, literally some of my furniture is just too big for me to lift on my own. We had to take some of the furniture apart too, and at one point we literally had to hoise up a couch with rope because it wouldnt fit up the stairs to my apartment. My friends also helped reassemble furniture that we took apart for the move. My dad even came out as well to help. It just feels so nice to have so many caring people in my life :)! I was really worried with this new move I would feel lonely, but if any thing i feel a sense of apprication for my life. Im really grateful for the wonderful people im surrounded by, the opportunities that my family and friends support me with, and just moving was a really validating way of realizing it.

It was a very exhausting day, but it feels good to be able to accomplish so much, and be exhausted! Sometimes i feel like with my job, i dont really get a physical fatigue. Maybe i need to find a hobby that give me that physical fatigue. I used to do weight lifting for that, but honestly I kinda have come to dread it. I enjoy working out when its with friend, but going to a gym solo style is just feels uneasy tbh. I kinda wanna either find a way to move my body that doesnt make me feel socially uneasy, or maybe find a group workout thing to do? Or maybe start like painting while standing again.

but ya, now i finally have internet again in my new house. Thank god because my ass is chronically online, plus i need internet as I do work from home for my job.

heres a list of things i am grateful for:

• none of my things broke during the move
• my family and friends all being super supportive and helpful during the move
• Zelda my cat has not freaked out and hid this time
• last time i moved she hid in my house and we could not find her LOL
• My parents came again the next day to help me:
• unpack and move furniture to the right rooms
• Buy things for my house
• just mentally & physically help me get things done. I was so overwhelmed by the amount of boxes needed to be unpacked
• Myself for packing things slowly, getting internet before i moved, and scheduling/cordnating people to help me move

feeling grateful & joyful

-3maqi

My friend is moving to the UK - 5/1/2025

My friend is moving to the UK for a job and its a bit tough ngl. She is one of my closest friends. Ive known her since I was in grade school. She's leaving today, and it doesnt feel real. i keep thinking like oh, ill see her tomorrow, no worries. The reality is that she is going to be across the world. The worst thing is I havent cried. Im not sure why to be honest. Maybe its because I already cried when a different friend left to switzerland, and it got all mixed up with those emotions.
Regardless, its gonna be strange. She has been such a huge part of my life, to have her go is, life changing.

Its not the first time someone has left me, but I just feel a bit empty now. Maybe ive been working on this site to destract me from it all.

ya. thanks for reading

-3maqi