Journal

Place to store like some journal writings. Names of people I know are changed for privacy

My sister's mental health - 6/5/2025

Warning, this entry mentions: suicide, details of suicide attempt, self-harm, eating disorders and mental illness.

I might delete this entry later as what i am sharing is very deeply personal.

My youngest sister, lets call her Z, has been going though a mental health crisis. She tried to commit suicide about two weeks ago, a few days before my birthday - I think may 16th 2025. She tried to snort a large of Benadryl - maybe 12 to 16 pills. Luckily my parents found out, and took her to the hospital in order to detox her, and then shortly after Z was admitted to a inpatient hospital. I saw her at the hospital before Z was admitted to the inpatient mental hospital. She seemed normal at the time, and I was relieved to see she was ok. I took her shes not allowed to die before me, jokingly, since i am the eldest sister - and old age would have to come to me first. I also gave her some phone numbers of family members she could call while in the hospital.

When Z was in the mental hospital she seemed fine at first. Our phone calls were calm, and she seemed to be doing alright. It was a bit tough when she call though. At lot of the time the calls would be disruptive of things I was doing at work, such as picking up my intern, or when I was placing an order for food for a large work lunch for my team. Maybe in hindsight I should give her a schedule or times that were best to call me. It was still nice to hear from Z, and knowing that she was doing good was reassuring.

Z was able to leave the hospital on friday. Thats kinda when she started acting very unusual. She had proclaimed she was a lesbian to my whole family, kept bringing up that she was now austisic, was talking non-stop, telling literally everyone she had tried to kill herself, including coworkers, my friend V, and others who it would inappropriate to share that info with. She had also lost a large amount of weight in a short period of time, and she told me that she was starving herself while at the hospital. She also kept talking about a male friend she made at the hospital, who she most obviously had a crush on, despite the fact that she was also claiming to be a lesbian. It was just very confusing behavior all at once. When I saw her in person, she was just talking and talking, going on and on about things for lengths at a time, with me giving very little back. Z was just not a very talkative person before hand, it was very confusing - and honestly was seriously annoying me haha.. Also, Z just keep refusing to eat it was very concerning.

The breaking point for me, was when at 2 in the morning, I had found out from my friend V, that Z was calling her non-stop. I had to call Z. When I orignally wrote this entry I had written out dialogue for the phone call. I decided to remove that. I don't really want to keep such an accurate record of a call that was very disturbing to me. In summary though my sister was cycling though emotions within seconds, going from angry, to happy to weeping.

After the call i just filled with a overwhelming amount of sadness, despair, and grief. My sister was just not her self. I couldnt stop crying and had to call 988 for support just to calm down.

i called my mom later the next day and found out that she had to sleep beside Z the whole night. Later my mom and dad had figure out that Z has been in a manic episode ever since she got back from the hospital. It explained why she had been acting so out of character as of lately.

Shes doing better now and going to out patient. also just found out my other sister JC got engaged so much going on in my family lol

7/10/2025

I took a break from this site after writing this. Life just gets kinda busy in the summer. I think I was also just avoiding this entry entirely.
Z is doing much better now. I also have taken a few steps back from my involvement with her. Having some boundries with Z has really helped me alot. I still love my sister, and enjoy seeing her, but I need to take a step back from my involvement with her mental health. I also decided to see a therapist. Its nice to have someone to talk.

enjoying the calm after the storm.

-3maqi

I moved this weekend - 5/11/2025

so this weekend i moved to my first (solo) apartment! I had family and friends help me move and omg I could have not done it without them. firstly, I moved to a 3rd story apartment with no elevator, and it would have been impossible to move one my own! Secondly, literally some of my furniture is just too big for me to lift on my own. We had to take some of the furniture apart too, and at one point we literally had to hoise up a couch with rope because it wouldnt fit up the stairs to my apartment. My friends also helped reassemble furniture that we took apart for the move. My dad even came out as well to help. It just feels so nice to have so many caring people in my life :)! I was really worried with this new move I would feel lonely, but if any thing i feel a sense of apprication for my life. Im really grateful for the wonderful people im surrounded by, the opportunities that my family and friends support me with, and just moving was a really validating way of realizing it.

It was a very exhausting day, but it feels good to be able to accomplish so much, and be exhausted! Sometimes i feel like with my job, i dont really get a physical fatigue. Maybe i need to find a hobby that give me that physical fatigue. I used to do weight lifting for that, but honestly I kinda have come to dread it. I enjoy working out when its with friend, but going to a gym solo style is just feels uneasy tbh. I kinda wanna either find a way to move my body that doesnt make me feel socially uneasy, or maybe find a group workout thing to do? Or maybe start like painting while standing again.

but ya, now i finally have internet again in my new house. Thank god because my ass is chronically online, plus i need internet as I do work from home for my job.

heres a list of things i am grateful for:

• none of my things broke during the move
• my family and friends all being super supportive and helpful during the move
• Zelda my cat has not freaked out and hid this time
• last time i moved she hid in my house and we could not find her LOL
• My parents came again the next day to help me:
• unpack and move furniture to the right rooms
• Buy things for my house
• just mentally & physically help me get things done. I was so overwhelmed by the amount of boxes needed to be unpacked
• Myself for packing things slowly, getting internet before i moved, and scheduling/cordnating people to help me move

feeling grateful & joyful

-3maqi

My friend is moving to the UK - 5/1/2025

My friend is moving to the UK for a job and its a bit tough ngl. She is one of my closest friends. Ive known her since I was in grade school. She's leaving today, and it doesnt feel real. i keep thinking like oh, ill see her tomorrow, no worries. The reality is that she is going to be across the world. The worst thing is I havent cried. Im not sure why to be honest. Maybe its because I already cried when a different friend left to switzerland, and it got all mixed up with those emotions.
Regardless, its gonna be strange. She has been such a huge part of my life, to have her go is, life changing.

Its not the first time someone has left me, but I just feel a bit empty now. Maybe ive been working on this site to destract me from it all.

ya. thanks for reading

-3maqi